I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
