It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
