Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
