but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
