Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
