happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
