i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
