WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
