I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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