how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
