My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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