The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize