dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
