dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I woke up under a house in Key West
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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