I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
