This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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