I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
