I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
