So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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