Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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