my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize