By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize