i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
