Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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