I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
