Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
