I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
