every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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