I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
