remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
