Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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