I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize