I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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