If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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