He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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