I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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