Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize