I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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