walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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