I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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