ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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