Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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