One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
