I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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