How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
