i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
