note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
