I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
