i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
