i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
