Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
