he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize