If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
