im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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