My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
