I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
