You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
