just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
