I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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