i jhust puked up my retainher.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
